Have I?
Or… had someone else done it?
This thought struck me so suddenly that I gasped.
One memory became two.
Two became ten.
Tiny moments that I had always considered lucky.
Minor coincidences.
The doors opened exactly when I was ready to stop.
Or… had someone else done it?
The pattern was impossible to ignore once I started looking.
And suddenly, I couldn’t stop watching.
***
For the next three days, I became a stranger in my own life.
I smiled during dinner.
I answered Matthew’s questions.
I kissed him to wish him goodnight.
Every lie tasted like ash.
Meanwhile, I searched.
Storage boxes.
Office drawers.
Nothing.
Every lie tasted like ash.
I started to wonder if I had imagined it all.
Then, on the fourth afternoon, I found the first crack.
Matthew had left his laptop open while he was on a call outside.
I wasn’t proud of what I did.
But trust had already been broken.
My hands were trembling as I searched through archived emails.
One folder was simply labeled ‘Drafts ‘.
Hundreds of messages.
Most of them were unfinished.
But trust had already been broken.
A line of objects prevented me from getting cold.
Ashley’s scholarship application
The clasp opened instantly.
That was my application.
Finished.
Submitted.
Three days later, I had decided not to send it.
That was my application.
The submission confirmation had gone to my own inbox.
Matthew had to use my email account from his laptop, send the application himself, and leave the message there for me to find.
At the time, I had assumed I had submitted it in a last-minute burst of courage and I could barely remember doing so because I had been so overwhelmed.
Now I knew the truth.
I hadn’t clicked « Submit »
Matthew had.
I hadn’t clicked « Submit »
I stared at the screen until the words became blurry.
“No…” I murmured. “There must be another explanation.”
There wasn’t one.
The timestamps were undeniable.
I looked for another year.
Another case.
Another application.
Then another one.
The timestamps were undeniable.
Higher education institution.
A writing conference.
A leadership seminar.
A manuscript submission.
This manuscript eventually became my first published novel, something I had always believed had happened because I had finally found my courage.
One opportunity after another.
Each application was mine.
Each achievement still required my work.
Each application was mine.
But as soon as fear convinced me to stop, someone quietly refused to let me down.
My husband.
The man I trusted most in the world.
By the time Matthew came back inside, I had already closed the laptop.
He smiled with the same easy smile that I had loved since I was fifteen.
« Everything is fine? »
I watched it.
For the first time in my life, I asked myself what part of my story belonged to me.
But as soon as fear convinced me to stop, someone quietly refused to let me down.
***
That evening, after dinner, I could no longer pretend.
« Who were you talking to? »
Matthew looked up after rinsing a plate.
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